i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
