I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
