i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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