We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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