I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That accounts for only three of the penises
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
