Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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