I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
