I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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