Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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