remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
