Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
