your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Let's get the cat blown out
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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