wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
