you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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