I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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