Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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