Do you still have your period?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
