I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
