I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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