I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I lost the right to judge tonight
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
