last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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