The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
FUCK WHALES
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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