I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
