STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
