So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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