I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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