Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
