Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Everything about him screamed your future.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
