I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
