his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize