tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
