if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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