Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
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