If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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