sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
operation harelip BJ is a go
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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