i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
