:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
