Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
pop tarts are not kleenex
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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