Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
