YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
