there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
