Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
