So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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