Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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