Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
