you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
