I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
