im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
