Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
