So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
