It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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