Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Everclear isn't food dammit
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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