I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
