i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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